GENESIS

ON THE 8th DAY GOD DRANK GIN AND DREW A MONKEY
How the fuck did you end up here? Are you some kind of mentally ill pervert who was trying to find erotic monkey pictures? Do you sit on your arm until it goes numb, and then touch yourself, pretending that the 'naughty' hand belongs to Charlie Chimp? Why the fuck would anyone want to visit a website called "Mr Monkey"? Well, irrespective of how you got here, you certainly are in for a treat, for collected on this site is a plethora of simian related frolics! Everything you will find here is a subversive, hard-hitting swipe at the capitalist scum, all served up with vast portions of monkey. Actually, for the less astute ones, it is not. All you will really find here is a whole load of unfunny, badly drawn, comic-strips and pictures, which may or may not be updated every so often. So...who the fuck is Mr Monkey? Well, here the story begins...

...and from man, monkey evolved...

I swore I wasn't going to come over all egotistical on this site and include a picture of myself, but then I thought if I didn't, I may become some kind of cyberspace enigma, which would be even worse. But anyway, on with the story (if you will forgive me for beginning a sentence with a conjunction). I was studying at Durham University, England, when I met a young man named Ben, whose appetite for alcohol was as great and eternal as mine. Over many glasses of gin, one day, he showed me his monkey. It was not a real monkey, of course, nor even an amusing euphemism for his genitals, but a roughly sketched stick-monkey. Now I love monkeys. I have always loved monkeys. This was the best monkey I had ever seen, although it wasn't for another couple of years that this monkey became Mr Monkey. I stored the image in my head, and often practised drawing it during the ever decreasing number of lectures I was attending. During the Spring of 2001 I was forced to leave University under a cloud of acrimony...but what did I care? I had a monkey!

...a message to you, monkey

After several months, wasted wandering around London, drinking with other reprobates, and frequenting dirty hovels where "punk-rock" seemed to be freely available, I moved to Bristol. There, Rebecca and Stephen, two charity workers from the local YMCA took me in, and revitalised my creative organ with whiskey, cider, gin, and various illicit substances, procured from nefarious creatures dwelling in holes. Once again I was ready to start thinking about monkeys. The stick-figure swelled into what he is today, but the attempt to inject the character with humour was fruitless...so I gave up and just drew any old shite. That end product is exactly what you, the sick monkey-phile consumer, has stumbled upon. The next problem, of course, was how to get this incredible creation to you, the mass herd of blood-sacks. Well, it was obvious to me there wasn't anyone who was stupid enough to put my simian friend into print, so the obvious solution was the internet. Thus, with a bottle of cheap gin, I sat up one night with an 'HTML for spastics' book, and learnt this art of modern day alchemy. Within a week I had this piece of shit contructed for your pleasure. Enjoy!


Thank you...

I've received several complaints now that I have failed to mention most people I know, so here, now, is a list of wonderful humans that I love : Beky and Steve; Jools; Holly and Harry; Sayer; Pete R; Pete I; Benjamin; McBen; Jess; Karina; Weeze; Brinky; Jasmine and Clare; Anna; Katja (who gave me the pen which draws the monkey); Ed; Trystan; Ant; Will; James; Debbie; Josh; Marc; Tom; Max; Dave; Brett; Leah; Paul; all the "Pony" girls; everyone I hang around with at bars; all the people who will now phone to chastise me for not including them.



By the way, fuck off...

...to anyone who attempts to highlight the issue that "Mr Monkey looks like a chimpanzee, which is actually an ape, not a monkey..." Well fuck you, you pedantic, INCORRECT little shite! Pre-Darwinism the words 'ape' and 'monkey' were synonymous and interchangable. It was only when Man learnt that he was, in fact, related to such creatures, that the word 'ape' began to refer exclusively to the more intelligent monkeys. Thus Man had created a buffer between Him and monkeys, and his vanity was preserved. So once again, fuck off.



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